


someone save my soul, tonight

by galveres



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Character Study, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, No Fluff, Sad, carry on, no happy ending, no spoilers i think, wayward son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 17:23:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20821022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galveres/pseuds/galveres
Summary: There are things that Baz should've said long ago.





	someone save my soul, tonight

You were the sun. The brightest star of the universe, you were more than the sun. You were so much more, Simon Snow. Your power was blinding me, not the actual power; it wasn’t your magic that made me close my eyes. It was you, as a person, as a whole. You were what I lived for and what I wanted to die for, every time I thought about you, it was as if someone was staking my heart, and it hurt so much, but I’d let them do that, all for you, because you were more than the sun and you were all that mattered. To think about that, maybe my love for you had always been hopeless, and had I known that? I think that I had. Or maybe I hadn’t. Maybe I’m realizing that just now, just now with blood on my hands, with the world going black around me, so beautifully, peacefully dark, maybe before I’d thought, maybe I had hope, because you were so alive that it was hard not to have hope around you, your blinding light fueled me, made me feel happy, even though I was slowly burning with it. I was burning with you.

I was crashing into you. Slowly, at first, then all at once, into your power, into your existence, until we merged into one, one soul, you were swallowing my darkness, and i was sucking out your light, but it worked, we were balanced, right? We were. It felt good, even though I was burning and you were being drained. That was just who we were, but we worked out; that’s funny. We always worked out, no matter what. In life and death, where you were life, and where I was death, we worked that out. We worked ourselves out, and we loved. We loved each other so much, with all the passion in the universe.

I still love you, Simon Snow. Maybe you would love me too, if it wasn’t for the circumstances.

Every morning, I’d wake up. And you would wake up, too, or maybe I would wake  _ you  _ up, or you would wake  _ me  _ up. But always, in the morning, we were there, next to each other, perfectly happy, even with all our problems, we went on, because we had each other, and nothing could ever change that.

You had never liked the mornings. You were always complaining, because it was too cold, because it was too early, because you wanted to sleep, and I laughed, because in those moments, you were so innocent, so childish, and it wasn’t wrong in any way, I loved that about you. But you were Simon Snow, so I obviously loved every single thing about you, whether you hated it or loved it, too. I was admiring you. I still am, I really am, now, here, where I’m standing, or maybe I’m not standing anymore, but I still admire you all the same, we’ve been through so much it’s hardly believable, but I love you, I’ll never stop loving you, and I wish there were more ways to tell you that, I wish I could tell you that right now, but my timing seems to never be right, and I used to wonder if the timing would ever be right, if I’d ever tell you just how much you saved my soul, even if it wasn’t mine anymore, you still saved it, every time you looked at me, every time smiled, every time we kissed, I felt like I was restoring myself, getting back the true me, I didn’t know what the true me was, but you seemed to know; you always knew me better than I knew myself, turns out. Maybe it was another one of your powers, of the miracles you held; you always seemed to know things. Well, I’d called you stupid multiple times, but you didn’t have the actual knowledge; you had the feeling. You had so many feelings, they were flowing out of you in steady waves, you were affecting other people with them, and you felt their emotions, too; you always knew who was high and who was low.

And think. It made me think, why you would be with someone like me, if you knew how low I really was. I hoped I wasn’t getting you off of the sky, because you were so, so high, you were so ambitious and reckless and beautiful and so bright, and I never wanted to pull you away from the sky, I never wanted to take away your freedom with my low, with my rock bottom that I found myself in.

Simon Snow, you were so good, so perfect, and I wish it didn’t go that way. I wish you forever stayed up in the sky, I wish you ignored me, ignored my darkness, but you were the magnet. You were the magnet, and I was, too, and I pulled you to me, and you pulled me to you, and I crashed into you, and we crashed into each other, and all was bright and dark at once, it was like trying to extinguish a fire with oil. Which only made the fire bigger, more inevitable.

_ This will end in flames.  _ I actually thought it would, because it was what we were;  _ who _ we were, we’d never get out of anything without sparking a flame which would soon enough start a fire. A big fire that neither of us could avoid, even with all the spells in this world.

It really is ending in flames, not the actual flames, but close enough.

I lie on the ground, I can feel it now. There’s so much blood on my hands, and I used to be more clean, I want to wipe it, to something, anything, but I can’t, because even if I do, it will forever stay right there; reminding me of what I have done, what we have done and how it changed us, perhaps forever.

I wish we had more time, I wish I could tell you all of this, because we never actually talked, I never actually told you how I imagined my future with you, because yes, when you were around, I was starting to believe that there was actually a future waiting for us, somewhere between all the flames, that we would fight them, put them out and live in peace, live in our own flames that were bright, but not lethal. The flames of our love, however that sounds, I really  _ did  _ believe in it.

Looking at you now, looking at myself now, I think that there’s really nothing left for us. We have always been fighting, first each other, then the rest of the world. I think that this is the end.

Your hands are cold when I put mine into them, and I know you would love me if you were still alive.

And I know that I would love you for longer if the world wasn’t going dark.

The flames are getting to us, but inside, I think that inside we’re empty by now; you’re dark, because I took away your light, and I’m too hot from the outside, but the dark has remained inside of me. We’re the same now, it looks like we really are, but we aren’t meant to be the same. I’m supposed to be crashing into you, because you’re the sun, and I am the darkness,

and we’re really about to end like this.

The same.

In flames.

I hate the sun, but I want it back.


End file.
